First, I have to thank all of you who took the time to read my original post. I was more than a little amazed by the response - so much for just a few friends and my mom reading it. For those of you who took the time to write a comment either on this site or on my facebook page another heart-felt thank you. Your encouragement is making all the difference - I worked out everyday for almost 2 weeks because of those comments, and that never happens. Never. So, thank yous all around.
Next, I'd like to make a little disclaimer - I've had requests to write about how I lost the initial 75 pounds, and I will, but not today. I think it's important for me to write about why everything got so out of control in the first place. I've written the bit about "why I'm doing this" and I promise to get to "how I lost/am losing the weight," but tonight I am writing about "The List," which is just that - a list of all the things that have contributed to my weight issues. I go through "The List" on a fairly regular basis, just to make sure all of those reasons (a.k.a excuses) and resentments are still there. They always are. Someday I hope they won't be.
It would be absolutely untrue for me to categorize my weight gain as simply "baby weight." I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember, and I can say with some certainty that I always will. I don't mean that to sound defeatist or anything - it's just the way it is, and that's OK. The trick is going to be getting so the struggle doesn't feel like a struggle anymore. I'm looking forward to the day when the struggle just feels slightly annoying like picking up the dirty socks my husband leaves lying around. Then maybe someday the struggle will start to feel like power - the way hiding said socks from said husband does.
"The List"
1. Genetics. Those other pesky genes. I have a great family - it is a very large family when you factor in all the cousins, aunts, uncles, and so on. We are a lively, generous, and fun-loving bunch, but for the most part, staying at a healthy weight does not come easily for us. The "skinnies" are definitely in the minority and most of those married in, so at least the gene pool seems to be lightening up.
2. Blame. Now there's a word for you - it pretty much sums it all up. I blame others for my weight problem. That's a hard thing to admit. I don't think I'll go into too much detail on this one. It's complicated and painful, and for now it's enough that I recognize the problem. But seriously, Society, there are things that kids simply shouldn't have to worry about. Which brings me to my next item...
3. Gulit. Yes, I feel guilty about blaming others. But mostly I just feel guilty. Guilty that I'm short and genetically predisposed to plumpness; guilty that I let it get so out of control; guilty that I can't say no to baked goods, or pizza, or chocolate; guilty that I feel sorry for myself when there is so much more to feel sorry for; guilty that I am not the best version of me that I can be. Guilt, guilt, guilt, and I'm not even Catholic (but the majority of my family is, so I must come by it naturally).
4. Stress. Like a lot of people, I pack it on in times of stress. I'm a stress eater - if truth be told, I'm a boredom eater and a happy eater too, but I seem to exercise more control in those areas - stress will do me in every time. Which explains why there were significant weight gains in college, before my wedding, and after both pregnancies. At my heaviest, I had just opened a business and then when my weight shot back up I was closing that business. If only there was something I could do to anticipate stress and my reaction to it...
5. Fear. I used to think that fear of being thin was sort of a joke. Who on earth would be afraid to be thin? But now I think I get it, and it's more than just being afraid of the hard work it's going to take to lose the weight. It's fear of the unknown, of putting yourself out there without any kind of protection from failure. And really, that's what the extra weight can provide - protection from failing just because you failed. With the extra weight there is the option to say to yourself "well, I could have done it if I wasn't overweight." Yes, the weight brings with it another set of obstacles and the potential for rejection, but again, it's not YOU that's rejected, it's the weight.
So there's "The List" or rather, my list. I know it's different for everyone. I also know that giving a label and a voice to the reasons and resentments will diminish their power. Now I can say to myself , "I know you, Guilt. And don't think I don't see you rolling your eyes at me, Fear! You can both take Blame and stick it where the sun..." You get the idea.
Next, I'd like to make a little disclaimer - I've had requests to write about how I lost the initial 75 pounds, and I will, but not today. I think it's important for me to write about why everything got so out of control in the first place. I've written the bit about "why I'm doing this" and I promise to get to "how I lost/am losing the weight," but tonight I am writing about "The List," which is just that - a list of all the things that have contributed to my weight issues. I go through "The List" on a fairly regular basis, just to make sure all of those reasons (a.k.a excuses) and resentments are still there. They always are. Someday I hope they won't be.
It would be absolutely untrue for me to categorize my weight gain as simply "baby weight." I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember, and I can say with some certainty that I always will. I don't mean that to sound defeatist or anything - it's just the way it is, and that's OK. The trick is going to be getting so the struggle doesn't feel like a struggle anymore. I'm looking forward to the day when the struggle just feels slightly annoying like picking up the dirty socks my husband leaves lying around. Then maybe someday the struggle will start to feel like power - the way hiding said socks from said husband does.
"The List"
1. Genetics. Those other pesky genes. I have a great family - it is a very large family when you factor in all the cousins, aunts, uncles, and so on. We are a lively, generous, and fun-loving bunch, but for the most part, staying at a healthy weight does not come easily for us. The "skinnies" are definitely in the minority and most of those married in, so at least the gene pool seems to be lightening up.
2. Blame. Now there's a word for you - it pretty much sums it all up. I blame others for my weight problem. That's a hard thing to admit. I don't think I'll go into too much detail on this one. It's complicated and painful, and for now it's enough that I recognize the problem. But seriously, Society, there are things that kids simply shouldn't have to worry about. Which brings me to my next item...
3. Gulit. Yes, I feel guilty about blaming others. But mostly I just feel guilty. Guilty that I'm short and genetically predisposed to plumpness; guilty that I let it get so out of control; guilty that I can't say no to baked goods, or pizza, or chocolate; guilty that I feel sorry for myself when there is so much more to feel sorry for; guilty that I am not the best version of me that I can be. Guilt, guilt, guilt, and I'm not even Catholic (but the majority of my family is, so I must come by it naturally).
4. Stress. Like a lot of people, I pack it on in times of stress. I'm a stress eater - if truth be told, I'm a boredom eater and a happy eater too, but I seem to exercise more control in those areas - stress will do me in every time. Which explains why there were significant weight gains in college, before my wedding, and after both pregnancies. At my heaviest, I had just opened a business and then when my weight shot back up I was closing that business. If only there was something I could do to anticipate stress and my reaction to it...
5. Fear. I used to think that fear of being thin was sort of a joke. Who on earth would be afraid to be thin? But now I think I get it, and it's more than just being afraid of the hard work it's going to take to lose the weight. It's fear of the unknown, of putting yourself out there without any kind of protection from failure. And really, that's what the extra weight can provide - protection from failing just because you failed. With the extra weight there is the option to say to yourself "well, I could have done it if I wasn't overweight." Yes, the weight brings with it another set of obstacles and the potential for rejection, but again, it's not YOU that's rejected, it's the weight.
So there's "The List" or rather, my list. I know it's different for everyone. I also know that giving a label and a voice to the reasons and resentments will diminish their power. Now I can say to myself , "I know you, Guilt. And don't think I don't see you rolling your eyes at me, Fear! You can both take Blame and stick it where the sun..." You get the idea.
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