Sometimes there simply isn't enough air. There isn't enough room. There isn't enough light.
More and more I find myself saying things like "I just can't breathe in this room," or "I can't see anything - I need more light." It's not panic really, just this odd sort of mild suffocation and exaggerated squinting. It started about 3 months ago. A friend died. Someone I had known and loved for a very long time.
I'm not alone in this - he was loved by many; the loss is far reaching. But I was starting to come out of it. I could get through a day with out thinking about him until I went to bed, and even then my thoughts were mostly happy. I still found myself pausing to breathe more often than before, but I had cut back on the food as medicine regime I always prescribe during times of stress, so that was progress (even though I had to abandon my jeans for yoga pants and skirts). And I wanted to write. I thought about writing everyday - but, what can I write that won't sound self-important. Blah blah blah, me me ME! Nothing.
Then there was Friday. The air was gone again, and the room, and the light. Nothing about this little blog project seems very important. So what if I'm putting weight back on. Honestly, who gives a shit? I had to talk to my son about what happened yesterday after he got home from school. I just couldn't do it over the weekend, and It didn't dawn on me until it was too late that he would hear about it from friends at school. So we talked for a long time last night. He slept in my room because he was scared and asked if we could say a special prayer for the kids. One of the things we talked about was how there are always more good guys. There are always people doing brave things to help make the world a little bit better.
I don't have to look very far for these good guys.
They are my friends and many of them are moms. One is going to have her sixth child, and another sent her oldest off to college. I have friends with twins who still find time to do... well anything else. I have a friend who had to lay in a hospital bed for over 70 days to make sure her baby wasn't born premature; and another whose beautiful baby was born premature, but is now thriving. And then there are the friends whose children deal with health or learning issues - but they find ways through it. I am inspired by the love found in all of these parent-child relationships and feel a little more space open up in the world when I think about them.
Some of my friends have faced incredible challenges, devastating loss, and pain. But they make it through - they keep moving forward. I've watched friends struggle to find love, or finally find love only to have to fight to have that love accepted. I have friends who fight disease - who have to tell cancer to fuck off over and over again. When I think about these friends I see light. I see them winning their battles and the world seems brighter.
I have a friend who is 5 - it is my greatest hope that she will consider me one of her best friends as she grows up - she works so hard to do things many of us take for granted. She works so hard, but she smiles and laughs like it is all too easy. When I think about her, when I see her playing with my kids, when I feel so much love I am overwhelmed, I can breathe deeply and feel like there is finally enough air.
That's the trick isn't it? Creating so much love that you feel free, breathe easy and see the light and good around you? There are two ways to spread light - be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. I'm having a hard time being the candle right now, but I will do my best to hold up the mirror.
More and more I find myself saying things like "I just can't breathe in this room," or "I can't see anything - I need more light." It's not panic really, just this odd sort of mild suffocation and exaggerated squinting. It started about 3 months ago. A friend died. Someone I had known and loved for a very long time.
I'm not alone in this - he was loved by many; the loss is far reaching. But I was starting to come out of it. I could get through a day with out thinking about him until I went to bed, and even then my thoughts were mostly happy. I still found myself pausing to breathe more often than before, but I had cut back on the food as medicine regime I always prescribe during times of stress, so that was progress (even though I had to abandon my jeans for yoga pants and skirts). And I wanted to write. I thought about writing everyday - but, what can I write that won't sound self-important. Blah blah blah, me me ME! Nothing.
Then there was Friday. The air was gone again, and the room, and the light. Nothing about this little blog project seems very important. So what if I'm putting weight back on. Honestly, who gives a shit? I had to talk to my son about what happened yesterday after he got home from school. I just couldn't do it over the weekend, and It didn't dawn on me until it was too late that he would hear about it from friends at school. So we talked for a long time last night. He slept in my room because he was scared and asked if we could say a special prayer for the kids. One of the things we talked about was how there are always more good guys. There are always people doing brave things to help make the world a little bit better.
I don't have to look very far for these good guys.
They are my friends and many of them are moms. One is going to have her sixth child, and another sent her oldest off to college. I have friends with twins who still find time to do... well anything else. I have a friend who had to lay in a hospital bed for over 70 days to make sure her baby wasn't born premature; and another whose beautiful baby was born premature, but is now thriving. And then there are the friends whose children deal with health or learning issues - but they find ways through it. I am inspired by the love found in all of these parent-child relationships and feel a little more space open up in the world when I think about them.
Some of my friends have faced incredible challenges, devastating loss, and pain. But they make it through - they keep moving forward. I've watched friends struggle to find love, or finally find love only to have to fight to have that love accepted. I have friends who fight disease - who have to tell cancer to fuck off over and over again. When I think about these friends I see light. I see them winning their battles and the world seems brighter.
I have a friend who is 5 - it is my greatest hope that she will consider me one of her best friends as she grows up - she works so hard to do things many of us take for granted. She works so hard, but she smiles and laughs like it is all too easy. When I think about her, when I see her playing with my kids, when I feel so much love I am overwhelmed, I can breathe deeply and feel like there is finally enough air.
That's the trick isn't it? Creating so much love that you feel free, breathe easy and see the light and good around you? There are two ways to spread light - be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. I'm having a hard time being the candle right now, but I will do my best to hold up the mirror.
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